everything. memories.

trying to get rid of them. start over.

so i stupidly started reading random sites on datingish. and i just wanted to write and respond to every post about similar things about my past relationship. DOES THAT REALLY HELP? What did I think? It's cathartic or something? helping me forget and move on?

how? how am I going to do this?  two months....it doesn't feel better. i'm sure it's better than it was at first. but it's been two freaking months since the breakup. and i'm still wanting him back. I WON'T take him back. but seriously. i should be better by now. i'm not. not like completely better. just on the road to recovery. 

part of me wants to just date just to be like....see? other guys exist and make me giggly and flirty and silly and wonder and worry about if he will call. but I know it's not fair to me or to other people. I don't want to put other people through that. being a rebound.

I'm a catch. right? It's impossible to imagine this life. a life without Mr. Ex. I feel like there should be a 12 step group for this. some sort of support group.

have i mentioned the generational problems i'm having too?

i'm like the luckiest person ever...being 23 and having all 4 living grandparents. but it won't be like that forever. my parents are struggling with taking care of their parents. and my grandparents are sick and dying soon. and here I am barely trying to figure out how to be an adult. or a successful person at least. or HAPPY. at least. and some of my friends are having kids and getting married.

NO COOKIE CUTTER MOLD. Tina Fey is funny and sad. hah. baaaaaaaaah. i can go to sleep soon. i go to bed like around 10...i'm such an old lady for 23. almost 24 soon. dude, i shouldn't feel old yet. why am i fearing growing old?

Even though Mr. Ex is happier and stronger in the short run (now), because I am doing the grieving and actual letting go, I'M going to be so much stronger and happier in the long run. Although it's not a competition. Though I have so much spite and want him hurt (momentarily, in my anger i do), I still know he's a good person and I do want him to be happy.

I just want to be happy for me FIRST. It's more about ME than it's about him. I need to just GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND. I started a second job for that reason. ugh. 

is there a chatroom i could join? i don' tknow............maybe i should just start filling out a website for dating. not really take it seriously. i don't know. i'm scared.

please come, happiness. i'm waiting. 

Tomorrow

Okie dokie. So I banned myself from facebook for a week. I did it! A week ago today I did that. So I got back on facebook today, and the same old funny tummy feeling arose.  I can't go on facebook. I just can't. Not now. Not for a while. Ugh. Not until I regain my confidence. Or something.

I was so excited for it to be May. Happy May Day.

I gotta stop randomly texting random friends my random thoughts. I've been typing out long texts and deleting them.  

I got a manicure today! This would be my second manicure EVER. I can't stop thinking about Mr. Ex. I even watched 4 episodes of 30Rock. and I still am not feeling good.

I don't think life is fair. Or rather, society is doing some mean things.  I mean, I got a second job starting in early April.  Great, right? Well, yes, you'd think that means more money.  But in order to get the job, I had to have a physical that was in the past 30 days.  Okay, so I got that done.  And insurance doesn't pay for more than one physical in a year.  But my first job I had to get a job in August for.  So because it wasn't a full year, I have to pay $175 for a stupid physical, that was sooo dumb.  Seriously, I can't believe how little was done during my physical.  And there goes more than half of my first paycheck.  How are we expected to survive...in today's society? Without reverting back to a bagillion generations living together taking care of one another?

How am I supposed to have a positive outlook on life?  

At least my brother is coming back on Friday.  But then I work all Saturday and all Sunday.  

I can't even see that far ahead because tomorrow is going to be awful.

So I decided NOT to go to work tomorrow.  I could try to get a substitute job, but there is a funeral for the grandfather of a good friend, and funerals only come around once.  As much as I've been accepted into their family, I feel like it's important to go to the funeral tomorrow. I know, I should be feeling sad or stop thinking about myself so much because here is death.  But I can't.

I can't get over my damn breakup. It's a BreakUP, not a Breakdown.  That was a great book. I highly recommend it.  Even though I'm still grieving.  

I don't know what to do.  Why haven't I gotten my acceptance letter into grad school, yet? Huh?  HUh? Why?

Seriously 600 crap friends on facebook.  I can't ask them to defriend Mr. Ex.  However I can't see him without turning blue in the face, that was just an expression, not literal.  Literally I can't stop my stomach from having this nasty sinking feeling like I will never recover or be okay again.

Cute hair cut. Cute fingernails. I'm wearing makeup more than before (I never wear makeup, but agreed to wake up 10 mins early to add it to my schedule sometimes).  Yet HE is the one who has moved on and has a GIRLFRIEND already. F***

I am AWESOME.
Love is POSSIBLE.

Those are my weak mantras.

Love comes when you aren't looking for it.  Actually I don't want to find love right now.  I am NOT looking. But I'm also hiding. I just want to find contentment and happiness and confidence in myself.  Start there. If I ever become comfortable again and not tanto deprimido todo el tiempo, quizas puedo tener un rol mas activa en buscar el amor.

Asi es. Aqui es. Aqui estoy.  Pues tengo mi espanol, en una manera.  Me gusta tener una lengua especial. No es mi primer idioma, y por eso es tan especial a mi.  

Estoy tratando de escuchar a la musica.  

Necesito algo mas en la Red porque ahora que Facebook ha sido anulado (annulled? jejeje) no tengo nada.

Pero todos somos adictos al Internet y no es lo que trae la alegria en la vida.  He leido mucho, y este me alegra.  ?Pero que mas? 

Puedo leer random xanga blogs?

Mierda.

bah.

humbug.

seriously.

thought my life couldn't get worse my last entry (jan 1st). shows how much i know :(

Life is sad. downtrodden. really didn't think i could burst into tears with every second of free time in a day.

i'm not as strong as i thought. as i should be. i want to say "I would give a lot to be back in a relationship with you" but I must say "there is no way we can ever get back together" baaaah. i'm terrible. i don't want it to be gone. yet i'm inundated with all the memories. 

i was on my own for 4 days. now that my parents are back i don't feel better. .i feel worse. just like i have to hide again. 

seriously did not know i could cry this much. i've definitely cried more this past month than i have my entire life. i'm sure. not a doubt about it.

i'm sick. in more ways than one. stuffy nose is gross. luckily i've gotten more sleep than the 2 hour night before Easter. that was bad. gotta pee. that's me. gotta pee. 

Happy New Year

Well, it's January 1st.

A bunch of people on facebook are writing about how 2011 was awesome for them. They got married, stayed at their first real job, had kids. Blah dee blah dee blah.

I'm not too hopeful for 2012.  Is that so awful? My 2011 was not the best. I went from having 4 jobs in January to having ZERO now. That sucks.

Yes, I had a successful piano recital in April, that was fun. Then I threw my life away by moving away.  I threw all 9 piano students. The other 2 part time jobs (well, and the choir one, which I didn't much care for)...because I thought I was moving to a bigger and better place with more opportunity. Well, that was a flop. The only two friends I made were my roommate's cats.  She wasn't even around that much, and when she was, she was just lazy.  I ended up doing her dishes, paying for stuff when she, the one with the full time job, couldn't make ends meet.

Money bothers me. Yes, it's true. And now that I've been pretty much unemployed for 6 months (okay, so I did play piano at church and receive 200 bucks a month for that...which was fun and every little bit helps! and then i had that temp job of 40 hours a week for 6 weeks, the money there was NICE, and then I was a substitute teacher 4 times...which was about 400 bucks total....).....money is soooo bad. 

I lived in my first apartment. And learned that it doesn't bring happiness. It brings loneliness. 

So I decided to move again, to live with my boyfriend (in 13 days he will be my boyfriend of 3 years!). However, the jobs there are few and far between. He's going to grad school, so he's set. knows what's up. on a roll. I'm lonely without him, but I fear I'll be even lonelier without a job there. Because then he'll be gone, at school and work, and I'll mope about.

So now I'm considering what I was so anxious to leave forever a year ago. Living with my parents again. True, i'm only 23, it's not like i'm  a 40 yr living at home with mom and dad (apologies to all you 40 yr olds out there!) but...I want my life to start. I'm ready for it to start. I asked for kitchen towels and kitchen things for christmas because that kind of stuff excites me now. yeah, it could be my need to "play grown up" but i feel ready for it. why isn't the world allowing me to be ready ? allowing me the opportunity...

I guess it's my own fault. i've applied to about 6 jobs where Layton lives. nothing. my life is a HUGE pile of boxes. unsorted. messy. not sure where to go or where to stay. just full of clutter and wanting to get out. find a home. 

It's rough. Finding a home. I need to look into food stamps. I want to get food for free. Please. okay. enough is enough.

here i am again

This is how I feel today. and as of late:

Yup. Most certainly spent 3 hours of my life yesterday looking for jobs/what I should be "when I grow up". and got depressed. and felt stuck.

so today I am NOT doing that. Nothing online with jobs. Whew. except, here's a post about um. uuuuuuugh.

What good is a bachelor's degree anyway? I am not WANTING nor READY nor PREPARED to go back to grad school, AND I have NO clue what I'd get my degree in. so that's pointless.

I'm also 

Yup: you guessed it. SICK. Ugh.

Add a book to her hand, and that's pretty much what I looked like all day.   A ton of kleenex were used today by yours truly. As well as tons of juice and water, also toliet flushing. wow, i peed so much today. more info than you cared to know.

Feeling a little bit lonely. But then again, when am I not?

I had a lovely time in St. Louis. with my family.

Went to this cool museum.

got all bruised up

(sick)

and.....yeah, met the new baby!

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'm sick. I will be doing whatever Layton does. Hopefully it's relaxed, chill, board games. Going to bed around 1:00.

I will NOT drink alcohol, and I will NOT eat a ton of junk food. A little bit is okay, but not too much. I will eat healthy. I will lose the weight I have gained. Luckily I didn't let it get OUT of hand, like last time...when I gained 60 pounds. This time I gained probably 12. But I need to go back down. Want to start exercising again, but when I'm sick it's really hard cuz I just want to sleep and NOT exercise. Ugh. No more pop. That is my new year's resolution. NONE. NO POP. I can do it. I don't really like the taste anyway. It's so bad for me.

And not a resolution, but a personal goal is to limit myself to ONE dessert a day. so far so good today, i've had NONE. go me. I did well today so far. Yay!

so tomorrow is the party. Sunday is church in the morning.

Monday is board games at Vanessa's. finally meeting her boyfriend. (it will be an unofficial double date, since layton and i and she and alex will be there! fun!)

Tuesday is free.

Wednesday is my apartment in IC to pick up final items. Yippee. 

It's a mess here. Boxes. not knowing where things are. it sucks. CLUTTER. I just want to get rid of it all and start anew. Not really. But yeah.

Did I mention I'm broke?

Okay, not completely. But things ARE getting out of hand. I already reached into my savings account to pay for christmas. ugh.

stupid unemployment. graaaaaaaaargh. I'm overqualified and yet not qualified enough. isn't that how it always is? 

all this talk about money and jobs makes me hungry. NO. stop it! no eating! grrrh. It's just boredom. 

won't be meeting Zoe. she's off to NC. of course. figures. always new and exciting plans for her. I'm stuck. in a rut. that's how it is.

I just want some positivity. in my life. in our life. is that so hard? Yes, apparently, it is. Man, I had something to complain about. figures. i lost it. haha. poop.

boogers. 

catch ya'll later. whooopee.